I’ve come to realize that I am the only one who can truly pull myself out of negative feelings like self-pity and hatred. I’ve learned that the joy of gratitude is much more profound when I’ve earned it through hard work; free rewards simply don’t provide the same satisfaction. I still remember the excitement I felt when as a kid my mother would hide new stationary, toys, or chocolates for special times. The adrenaline rush I felt back then is now gone, and I often wonder if it was just a childhood fantasy, simpler times, or a respect for things earned honestly.

It’s fascinating to see how progressive nations openly display their ruins, because that shows they’ve learned from their mistakes. I also believe that every problem or mishap is ultimately a blessing in disguise. If I can see past a scar or find a lesson in what seems like a distorted picture, I consider myself blessed. And, I refuse to dim my own light simply because it intimidates someone else. It’s also a strange feeling knowing that I pass my death anniversary every year without knowing the date.

No matter how comfortable life is in a fast-paced, developed country, I will always have a strong urge to go back home, regardless of how awful it might have been. The place I call home will always be home, no matter how long I live abroad. The sound of the Azaan after years away stirs up deep emotions in me. I feel a surge of pride when Pakistan wins a sports trophy. A familiar scent can trigger very powerful memories. I cherish celebrating festivals with the same fervor I did back home. I also firmly believe in the concept of karma; what goes around, truly does come around.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that I’m more like my Abba than I ever thought, in my nature, habits, and overall outlook on life. I remember Abba used to get my certificates laminated. He was always in the front row during my prize distributions, art exhibitions, public speaking contests. He used to proof read my articles and speeches in school and college. Always corrected my Urdu and English diction and grammar. While other fathers may teach their off spring how to ride a bicycle, Abba taught me how to be confident and stand up for myself. He taught me how to sketch and find beauty is little things. He was always committed to my ideas and passions. He and Amma are old now and very forgetful but I make a conscious effort to call them more often. My family is my strength though I often find myself in arguments with them, sometimes for days, but once its over and we try to remember the cause of the dispute, neither of us can. I believe this is a hallmark of a truly committed relationship; the beauty of these connections lies in the ability to forgive and forget. At the end of the day, I want to come home to someone I love seeing, and to wake up next to them; for me, home is where that special someone is.

The loss of both my grandparents made me truly understand that life is unpredictable and too short, and it’s better to say goodbye when you can. Before their passing, I was in complete denial and never thought they would leave me. Now I know, when you love someone, hug them, kiss them, and tell them you love them often and with all your heart. Listen to them, laugh with them, and commit their smiles, warmth, and scent to your memory. My relationships with my siblings haven’t been conventional. We make each other miserable, we yell at each other, but when I’m in trouble, I call them, because they always have my back. We are inseparable.

I believe that if you have a roof over your head and food on your plate, you are truly blessed. I was probably the only extrovert who was happy during quarantine. Living alone has never been daunting for me. Probably that’s the reason why I am my worst critic. I talk to myself and enjoy my own company at large. Still I’d say I am also a hopeless romantic. Love for me is not only sacred but also an essence of life and I feel it’s never too late to find love and live it fully, as if it were a honeymoon. If you find someone who is worth your time, make the best of it. Sometimes, it’s the other person’s grace that reminds you to find your own. I want to spend every waking hour building a safe space, an energy that thrives on trust and growth. I want to share ideas and dreams, pushing each other to reach seemingly unattainable goals. A great partner makes life worth living. They remind me how exciting it is to explore my potential without feeling judged. This person kindles surprises, tingles, and butterflies, serving as my light when every path seems dark. Just like when there’s turbulence on a flight, and I see the flight attendants smiling and serving drinks, I feel a sense of calm; I know everything will be okay. That is what faith is.

I love to hold on to souvenirs – which in French is “memories”. Things like a beaver from Banff, a marble turtle from Ripley’s, a coin from Lion Safari, post cards I bought from Art gallery of Ontario, Keychain from Niagara, an empty box of mint from Dubai, sea shell from Karachi beach or a boarding pass or ticket from flight I took once. I cherish those memories of myself in that moment.

I often see this question on social media: would you date yourself? Few years ago I would have said “No” but now as I tread into new era of my life, I see myself fighting a new battle everyday. It’s me v/s me and I defeat my misery and self pity everyday. I like myself more. I like my flaws and I own them. So now the answer to the former question is “yes I can”, because I don’t need anyone else’s validation but my own. Do I need a companion in life? Of course I do but I can’t love another before loving my own self first. The most clichéd ending in a movie is when the hero runs to the airport to confess their love, and the lady leaves everything behind and follows him – we need to change that ending. I have noticed that men often are emotionally closed off, and don’t express their feelings easily. Life is a journey and there’s no point in making that journey and not fall head over heel in love with someone. Be deliriously happy or at least try. Because if you haven’t tried you haven’t lived.

I once read that God brings people into your life for a purpose. Some are mistakes that teach you lessons, while others are blessings and rewards for your resilience. I’m thankful for both because, compared to four years ago, I’m much more grounded, confident, and have a clear idea of what I want. It’s like finding missing pieces of a puzzle. While the picture isn’t complete yet, I have a better idea of where each piece belongs. People, new acquaintances, friends, and some angels have been instrumental in my self-discovery and healing journey.

Sometimes, I feel very close to my destiny. Goals that I set a long time ago seem achievable. I’m still tripping and faltering, but I am almost there. The feeling of being incomplete, like I am floating aimlessly, is the most miserable feeling. People say a woman’s mind is always busy, but I disagree. I often find myself completely blank, staring into nothing without blinking, and that’s my solace. I allow my mind to shut down for a bit and listen to the sounds around me.

Life is a bittersweet symphony; it is a cliché but it is true. Am I scared? Yes, definitely. But can I afford to be? No, absolutely not. There is so much to do in such a little time. As Keats said, “for I have fears that I may cease to be before my pen has gleaned my teeming brains”. He died so young, but his writing made him immortal.

It is such a blessing when an accidental interaction becomes a vivid memory and shapes you into a better version of yourself – in my case “a reformed/restored writer”

My journey shows me that it is okay to be a work in progress. We all are. And it is important to learn from our challenges, value the people around us, and find joy in the present moment. That is what I have come to believe anyway.